dreamt. found myself in large black room. like warehouse big. It was dark but I could see well enough to know there was nothing else in the space with me.
despite this l ‘hear’ voices in my mind. they are challenge me about this thing I once did. like they don’t believe. I get angry and star defending myself,
something they communicate makes me feel how they see it and thus, why it is that they ‘disbelieve.”
i’m still resolute that I did not act disingenuously. and begin to say more to convince them.
the feeling returns, but unbearably so. I begin to feel that they were right. I had fooled myself somehow and acted disingenuously without intent to do so or awareness that I was, in fact, doing so. The thing I did I can’t recall, but it was inconsequential. akin to telling someone they look good when they don’t, but have tried hard to. or complimenting someone of their top, when you’re really ambivalent.
Panic attack breaths hit me. I fell down. I feel tired of the conversation and indignant that they brought me here to put me on trial,
I scream. It goes on forever. I feel air pumping out of my lungs like vomit. I finally have to inhale. I realize I could scream until I had to breath. my body would stop me. I might pass out but that is fine and preferrable b/c it feels like a witch hunt, their questions
so I scream until I violently end up gasping for air. a few more screams just like it.
all I remember. felt like 15 min passed. felt like I had stale, ultimately, poisonous, breath in my lungs. residual air that I never breathed out. it was like puking but lungs not stomach. air pressure not physical matter.
WrittenCasey 