The question insisted on itself a little over 10 years.
Why do I do the things I do?
Why do I do anything?
Do I really know, moment to moment?
Am I just a meatbag at the end? Consume, reproduce, sleep?
What is my motivation to action?
My action under intent?
I could not say then. It was quite alarming to realize. 22 years of acting per the ways one should act.
I still don’t know (don’t contractions make confessional narrator’s sound so much more natural-less like a prick).
I believe the question is worthwhile for all us h. sapiens.
The question in my mind’s eye, by dint of everyone else’s minds’ eyes, is:
Do I need to be brought to heel? Or, is that what others believe should happen.
When does anyone cross the line separating contribution from domination (or isolation)?
How do we know if our actions end up hurting people? Really, though. Do we / can we care? Is caring creepy nowadays? Rhetorical, and or to be discussed without me. Philosophical systems of morality bumm me out.
Maybe we should answer those questions ourselves and then compare answers. Not the other way around.
No, I don’t really think we can hate anybody.
Least of all ourselves.
Myself is the continuous thread which I may pull,
said Alice Ladder.
I did think everyone hated me. I absconded to lonliness.
I did not know it. Could not dig it.
I let it hurt. Ha! I’m a dummy; that is how we do.
The way we get by.
That’s what it is.
Then, I did not feel it.
Isn’t that wild?
I’ve been considering errors in my judgement.
Error. Judge. Does not compute.
Try. How could I try harder? What did the recent “Tries” teach me? How can I use that feedback for my future “Tries?”
After failing, how long did it take me to be able to Iaugh at myself?
I’m effing funny as hell, so not too long. Hopefully.
Silence reduces, extrapolates,
You and everyone else knows what I might know.
I assumed no one knew my mind. or what it sees.
Before that, I thought my mind and vision were identical to everyone’s.
Unashamed of naivety.
I have rushed at folks, like a real nut, to try to speak it aloud.
Indicate it. You can indicate anything you want.
Shocker (not The shocker).
What I now know is that I know very little.
Groups, collectively, know much.
The appearance of secrets is sometimes more alarming than the secret itself.
People and folks are not different from me, us, and ya’ll-
Specifically, ya’ll privileged.
Life is a dream of a game, but, yet; it’s not such to everyone.
Everyone is much more like you than you may think.
So, yeah, you, me, we, us, are NOT special.
Once we stop fretting about being what we cannot be,
we feel special
we feel alive and authentic.
I oscillate between cold-eye wolf stares;
wide-eyed, full of light, terror.
Complete absurdity (shit be funny. re: people falling down).
and I remain open to be corrected; and,
have only headbutted a few people this week. improvement!